


Poolside Trauma

by Darknightjess (orphan_account), jay_linden



Series: The Tattoo [3]
Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Humor, M/M, Plot What Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-18
Updated: 2009-11-18
Packaged: 2017-10-03 07:39:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Darknightjess, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jay_linden/pseuds/jay_linden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the <a href="http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=switch_bottoms">switch_bottoms</a>  September Challenge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poolside Trauma

Karl stretched his legs out on the couch. "Bring me a beer, 'kay?" He called toward the kitchen.

"It's not even noon!" Viggo called back, laughing. "You sure you don't want something more to eat first?"

Nah, oh wait. Is there any more of that pie left?" Karl sat up.

"You want pie and beer?" Viggo snorted. "I'll find it," he sighed, opening the fridge as the doorbell rang. "Get that, would you?"

"This from the man that's eaten roadkill." Karl muttered, grinning. "Alright." He moved to the door and opened it to a courier.

"I've a delivery for Mr. Mortensen." The man held up a bulky envelope.

"I'll sign for it." Karl said, taking the clipboard and signing his name. As the man handed him the package, Karl reached in his pocket and pulled out five dollars, handing it to the courier.

"Hey thanks."

Karl nodded and closed the door. "Hey Vig, you got a package."

"I don't want any more scripts today, thanks. Just put it on the desk in my studio and I'll find it in a few months."

"Don't think it a script." Karl turned the envelope over in his hand. "It's handwritten, bad fucking handwriting too. Have you got a stalker?" He said with a grin.

"The stalkers use their very best handwriting. Or type," Viggo said, coming into the room carrying a plate. "Here- trade."

"Mmm, knew I loved you for a reason." Karl relinquished the package as he took the pie. "Where's my beer?"

Viggo pulled the bottle out of his sweater pocket and handed it to Karl. "There." He turned over the package and frowned. "Why the fuck is that mad man sending me mail- we live in the same city?"

"Dennis?" Karl stepped back. "God, check to see if it's ticking. Maybe it's a present from the trip. Something for watering the plants."

"Maybe so... it's not ticking," Viggo murmured, shaking the package, and then opening it. "It's a video tape. A plain, black video tape, with no writing on it."

"How scared are you to watch it?" Karl asked, taking his beer and plate to the couch and folding down, getting comfortable.

"It's Dennis, Karl. It's probably porn, and he's probably involved, so I'm pretty scared," Viggo stared at the tape. "Why couldn't he just send something that was ticking?"

Karl laughed. "Come on then, I've got beer." He pulled a t-shirt from the arm of the couch and laid it over his shoulder. "And a blindfold, I'm ready for anything. Bring on naked Dennis."

"Blindfold... kinky bastard," Viggo swatted Karl on his way over to the VCR. "All right, but if I'm scarred for life, you're the one who made me put in the tape."

Karl laughed and took a bite of pie, waving his fork in the air. "He's not that insane." He said reassuredly as the screen turned fuzzy and a voice sounded.

_"Yeah, so we got home from the trip. By the way, next time Vic gets a wild ass hair to go on some damn bed and breakfast weekend crap trip to bond and cement our love, remind me to remind her that I married her ass and live with her and don't cheat and isn't that enough." A snort was heard. "Oh yeah, so we get home, thanks for watering the goddamn green things she's got round here. She cooed at everything, since it's living. So, yeah, did I tell you we got a new security system? Cameras. Motion sensor cameras."_

Viggo went white. "Oh Jesus fucking god."

"Did he say cameras? Cameras?" Karl said, grabbing at Viggo's arm.

"Yes, Karl, he fucking said cameras!"

_"So the company that installed the security system called and wanted to make sure everything was good, told me how to check the monitors and all, They're a good company. Office is down off Long Leaf. I'll give you the number if you want. Well, there's this clock thing, the whole shebang is in the front closet. So I look at the clock and it says there's almost an hour of tape. I was pissed. I figured the installer'd set it to sensitive and goddamn Baldwin's cat had got over here pissing on everything. But, it wasn't pussy on my tape."_ A laugh cackled out from the still fuzzy picture on the television.

"This isn't happening. He's yanking our chain, he's got to be." Viggo said, utter horror in his voice.

"Tape? Did he say tape?" Karl said, eyes wide.

"No, no, no no no." Viggo kept shaking his head.

_"Nope, no pussy there. Can you guess what was on my tape? Now let me just say to start, bravo there big boy, but I will be expecting you and dark eyes to come bleach the diving board._ Another cackle of laughter as the television screen brightened and Karl came on screen, backing toward the diving board, pulling his t-shirt off and tossing it to the side.

_"Now see, I'm thinking I need to get sound on the system, but I'm thinking he's saying. 'I've been a naughty wittle boy.' But I can't be sure."_

"I can't believe I'm watching this- I can't believe _you_ watched this, you dirty fucking bastard!" Viggo yelled at the TV.

"He - he - we - we.. oh my fucking god." Karl stammered out.

_"Now I like the way you're already naked by the time you get in the shot. I'm thinking here that if I was directing I'd have had you wait, but that works too. And may I ask, are you waxing your ass these days? I remember Indian runner you were a bit more hairy. Not that I was paying attention, but you know.."_ Dennis snickered. _"Now, another thing. How do you decide who's pitching? Cause I got to say Vig ol' buddy, as passive and non-aggressive as you are - I'd of took you as the bottomy one."_

"What the... was he even on SET that day?" Viggo huffed, folding his arms in front of him.

Karl looked at Viggo. "Does it fucking matter!?"

"I... this is so much worse than listening to him on the answering machine while we fuck," Viggo stammered.

"How have you not killed him yet?" Karl said in a weak voice.

_"I fast forwarded through all the kissing. I mean god almighty, that shit qualifies as foreplay. Okay so I like this part. Ol' Karl pushing you back on the diving board. Him striping off and dancing around was a nice touch. Now see right there, when he turned around and you started licking the tattoo, I fast forwarded a bit more, squinted also. Remind me not to drink after you anymore._ A giggle snort sounded.

"He has guns. A lot of guns." Viggo paused, listening to Dennis speak and closing his eyes. "And I'm going to ask Vickie where he keeps them."

Karl nodded, dumbfounded as he watched the tape.

_"Now this is another part I had to fast forward, though I have to say, Karl seemed to enjoy it. 'Nother reminder, I ain't ever shaking your hand again. Okay, I was wondering the logistics here, but when you lay down I figured it out. But, I was then wondering, I didn't see you put on a condom. Now Viggo ol' buddy, tha's just not prudent."_

Viggo rolled his eyes. "Very well, Doctor Dennis, I'll have our test results faxed to you by tomorrow."

"Oh dear god." Karl said.

_"This part just looks awkward, bit painful too. I remember this one time, when I was living in New Mexico; I got a hemorrhoid, well now you probably don't want to hear about my ass. Oh yeah, if you run the tape backwards fast, this part just cracks my shit up. I must have spent five minutes going back and forth."_ He cackled a laugh. _"I fast fore warded a bit more here."_

"He's a sadist, that's what he is. Although watching it might have qualified him as a masochist, by his definition," Viggo looked thoughtful.

"I don't give a flying fuck what he is." Karl snapped out. "For the love of fuck Viggo! We fucked on tape and Dennis oh my fucking god Hopper watched it and made - made a commentary tape!"

"These are all facts that I am not unaware of," Viggo replied calmly, having passed through anger and now firmly planted in the land of shock.

_"Once more, Mortensen, I ain't ever shaking your hand again. 'Course, he seems to like it. Now, I fast forwarded here a bit more, but goddamn, when he climbed up and well, you know. I fast forwarded. A lot. But let me tell you, even fast and peeking through my fingers, that was some fierce fucking._ Dennis snickered.

"Oh god." Karl moaned. "Viggo, I'm leaving the country."

"Oh please," Viggo rolled his eyes at the TV. "You watched the whole thing you complete pervert... and you'd have had to do it again to record this. What?" he turned back to Karl. "Right, because that'd stop Dennis from leaving us disgusting phone messages- you leaving the country. You're not going anywhere," he said firmly.

"Tha's my arse up there!" Karl squeaked.

"Oh, and like that's never been seen on a screen before," Viggo snorted.

"Not with a cock stuffed up it!" Karl said with a haughty sniff and then turned back to the screen. "You know, we do look good though. That doesn't hurt does it?"

"Which doesn't what?" Viggo frowned.

"I never realized how - well - how hard I ride you when - well when I ride you." Karl turned his head. "Goddamn, I've got to remember to be careful and not snatch your dick off."

_"Okay I could tell you were close here, and you both looked to be hollering and carrying on. It's a wonder the goddamn neighbors didn't complain. And then yeahyeah there! Blast off!_ Dennis cackled, snorting and laughing.

"I beg your pardon? Careful?" Viggo raised an eyebrow. "I don't fucking think so! If you're about to break my dick off, be assured, I'll let you know of it. Oh fuck off, Dennis!"

_"Okay, so, this is the only copy of the tape. You won't be getting a Christmas present - consider this it. Karl, what can I say? Way to take it like a man."_ The words were lost in a screech of laughter. _"Vig, one thing. I told Vicki what I was watching and disturbingly enough she got this glazed look in her eyes and said it sounded hot. So, if you're casting about for a birthday present for her next year..."_ Another peal of laughter sounded and the screen went black.

Viggo stared at the screen, going completely silent, his expression one of deep contemplation.

"Did - did he just say..." Karl trailed off.

Viggo held up his hand for silence, still looking thoughtful. "Okay. All right, there's only really one thing we can do here."

Karl nodded. "Yes and I can be packed in like ten minutes."

Viggo shook his head. "No, that won't do it. We've got to give Dennis what's coming to him."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Christ you're as mad as that bastard."

Viggo looked up at Karl, evil glinting in his eyes. "Don't you think it's time we gave him what he deserves?

"Oh god, what?" Karl asked, real fear in his voice.

"Well, he had to provide the commentary because there wasn't any sound," Viggo's smile grew wider. "I think we owe Dennis an audio tape, don't you?"

The shocked look on Karl's face turned to a hard grin as he twisted on the couch and crawled toward Viggo. "Oh god, I do love the way your mind works."

"That's because I'm a beautiful genius," Viggo smirked, giving Karl a hard swat on the ass. "Recorder's in my studio with blank tapes, and we've got whipped cream in the kitchen- meet you in the bedroom in five?"


End file.
